CHAPTER 1.19 - THE GOBLIN CAVE: II
As she contemplates blasting the goblins, Anuk sees Thae, ever seeking to be helpful, stand and raise a hand in greeting. Rian’s gesticulating at the armoured warrior, still speaking in quiet Goblin. Thae’s clear voice rings out “Hello, friends!” An insane level of optimism, she thinks, but reasons that if Rian chose to betray them they might as well be on their feet. Besides, she’s still leery of ruining her clothes.
As Hugo looks to her, panic in his eyes at how much his ‘plan’ has been thrown off kilter, she pushes herself up. She enjoys the halfling’s indecision, is certain she detects jealousy that she has no need of weapons to be dangerous. As she brushes herself down and sets off after Thae, Hugo reaches a conclusion, sneaks hurriedly out of the trees. She suspects he’s keeping Thae between the goblins’ view of him. Sure enough, he catches up with his pal and moves in time behind the half-elf’s legs. Thae seems unconcerned by this, as though they have previously done something similar. And the little man is, she has to admit, extremely sneaky. The sneak.
Rian calls to them, saying “We’ve been invited in.” King of understatement, she thinks, until he looks each of them in the eye and adds “They can help us with our…problem.” She remains uncertain whether the man’s an imbecile or a genius, as Rian adds “Glorp here wants to bargain.” At the sound of his name, the ancient goblin leers, beckons them towards the cave entrance. From here she can see that the interior isn’t unlit, however any hints of light are either so dim or distant as to be of little use. As the old goblin hobbles into the shadowed space, Rian gives them a shallow nod and follows. He and the Elder begin another hushed conversation as they depart, following the runner into the tunnel.
Anuk’s ready to fall into her regular position at the rear of the party, however delays moving off for a moment. The first guard has followed Rian and ‘Glorp’ and is looking back towards Thae and herself. She feels conflict for a moment as the second guard allows Thae to pass him, meaning to fall in between the pair of half-elves. Her instincts flash again towards detonating the goblin, but she rejects the urge. She sees the goblin jump as it perceives Hugo and the murder plan seems rational for an instant. But then the goblin guard hoots with high-pitched laughter, turns to his friends. She wishes she could kill the ugly little bastard, but clenches her jaw, certain that it’s all about to go wrong. They’re caught, Hugo’s caught them, the little terrors have him squarely caught and now they’re going to have a cave full of goblins swarming over them.
Time slows. The old goblin has swung around at the guard’s squeal. Rian’s turning more slowly, immersed as he had been in their conversation. Hugo’s frozen somewhere between horrified surprise and embarrassed smile. Anuk takes a drip of frozen consolation down her spine picturing how badly she’s going to tear up the first few attackers. Then the guard points at Hugo, giggles something to his companions and falls in behind the halfling, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. The little guy’s even doing an exaggerated version of Hugo’s walk, upping his swagger by a good measure.
Rian tilts his head a little, raises his voice to tell them “He’s making a joke that Thae has a sidekick” before the old goblin mutters something and Rian jumps a little, nods and presses a ‘keep quiet’ finger to his lips. The pair turn back to the tunnel, the big man stooping to resume their interrupted conversation.
She sets off behind the swaggering guard, feeling her shoulder blades itch as the third creature falls in behind her. The last guard remains, bored gaze returning to the treeline as his clawed finger digs into a nostril. She can see his eyes pulling back towards them as though he’d like to follow. Anuk just isn’t certain whether this is good or bad news for them, but they’re caught in the gravity of this now. She squares her focus, trying to keep her senses sharp for surprises. She’s had enough of ambushes to last a lifetime.
They follow an irregular, mostly natural tunnel curving into the cliff. As they move, Anuk can see dim light growing ahead. The runner has scampered off, putting more distance between himself and their group, but stops where the tunnel breaks into a larger cave. From there the light sources are resolving into campfires dotted across a large space. Few campfires for such a large area, she thinks, then gets a shiver recalling the – what did Rian guess? – dozens of bodies in their pit in the forest. Shit.
As Rian and Glorp reach the cave entrance, the runner turns back to them, gives some message of confirmation. He had been stuck to the tunnel wall, scanning the cavern, now motions them past worriedly, his hand flat across his mouth in a pantomime for silence. The old goblin points further along the shallow curve of the cave wall, urging Rian and their guards past him as he sets off towards the nearest campfire. Around this, a couple of goblins crouch miserably, their eyes wide with fear or mistrust as they scan the group of relative giants. Rian appears to be taking this in but carries on quickly and quietly in the direction the senior goblin indicated.
Thae, covered in sparkling, noisy armour, casts a tight smile and wave in the direction of Glorp and the cave in general before hurrying on, shadowed as ever by a ‘sidekick’ who seems glum at the label. Anuk wrinkles her nose, partly at the smokiness of the space. It’s barely ventilated with multiple fires burning. Mostly, however, it’s the reek of the goblins themselves. There’s less untidiness than she’d have imagined – images of goblins shitting where they stood looming into her imagination – but they themselves, their bodies stink. Likewise, whatever they might be cooking. As she steps lightly towards the narrow tunnel to which they’ve been directed, Anuk struggles to control her gorge as the smell of the worst shit imaginable assails her from up ahead. Super.
-x-
The small cavern into which they emerge is awful, but Anuk’s glad for small mercies. As they approached, the sound of babbling water increased along with the stench of excrement. It makes sense to her plan of the caves. After all, they’re approaching where the stream they saw emerges from the cliff’s rock. She feels a momentary sympathy for Rian. Thae and sometimes even Anuk have had to stoop to negotiate the goblins’ tunnels. The big man, on emerging into this new, small cave stands to his full height and stretches his back gratefully. They are expected in this space. A small goblin – very obviously female, more pneumatic than any goblin she’s previously seen – clad in scraps of cloth is standing to slovenly attention with her claws clasped behind her back. It’s a twisted reminiscence of a schoolchild waiting to present to their class, including pride the radiating from the thing’s ugly face. She is staring up at the giant man still rubbing the base of his back, her already large eyes becoming like saucers.
The big man notices, points a thumb to his chest and says “Rian”, following this with a couple of gasping, cough-sounding words in goblin. The tiny woman looks delighted with this, pointing a taloned thumb at herself and saying proudly “Fart!” Hugo unsuccessfully stifles a snort of amusement, while Thae’s expression grows even more bemused. Anuk observes Rian’s face take on a horrifying aspect as he bares his teeth, stretching his mouth into a rictus grin. She’s puzzled for a moment, before deciding this is possibly a strategy when communicating with creatures with such exaggerated features. Regular expressions might be a code they can’t crack. As he nods at the woman’s outburst, Rian mutters “They like interesting names.”
From behind them, Anuk hears the Common tongue strangled by a goblin’s wretched voice. “Is not goblin word, but Fart. It mean funny joke. Not good goblin fart, stupid human fart.” The surprise is etched on the woodsman’s face as the old goblin, Glorp, ambles in. Rian’s apparently so shocked that the goblin speaks his language that he’s missed how adoringly the goblin woman’s looking up at him. Anuk believes she’s watching the creature deciding she wants to climb that mountain. She shivers slightly at the thought.
Anuk looks to Thae, wondering if anyone else is seeing this. The holy warrior’s very distracted though, scanning the chamber in which they’re standing. The shit smell is coming from a pile in one corner, albeit the furthest corner from the pool forming the south side of the chamber. Water’s bubbling into the pool from several small channels deeper into the rock, the output from which is exiting the rock wall somewhere out of sight, beneath the pool’s surface.
The remainder of the smell is from all around them. Almost every inch of the floor is covered with a layer of shit, and a baffling assortment of fungi are apparently thriving there. From the state of Fart’s hands and her feet to the ankles, this is purposeful. This is a farm. Thae’s muttering, scanning a segment of the chaotic floor. “These are good for treating fever…those are food but taste horrible..these?...” As the half elf reaches out for an ugly, red-capped fungus, Fart looks round with flat disinterest. Until, that is, Rian stoops quickly to grab Thae’s forearm. Not roughly, but quickly, urgently enough to put the stooping, stretching half-elf off balance.
Rian says quietly “SO poisonous!” The big man registers Thae’s surprise, looks uncomfortable, leaves go the wrist. Quickly mumbles “Really hallucinogenic; get it on your hands? Don’t touch your eyes, don’t…” Thae stands quickly, thanks the big man, nodding. To Anuk’s eye, little Fart is now fully in love. The giant man shares her interests? Oh boy. The little goblin woman shifts closer to Rian, movements affectionate like a cat rubbing against the calves of its owner. Or its food source.
Glorp clears his throat. “We talk here, safe.” He looks to the goblin girl, still staring admiringly at Rian. “Fart no tell secrets.” At mention of her name, Fart gives a filthy smile, her shit smeared hand distractedly latching onto the edge of Rian’s cloak.
The old goblin is given the floor. Common isn’t Glorp’s strong suit, so quickly they resort to him babbling in Goblin, Rian translating. The old goblin DOES manage to clarify, however, that on discovery of Hugo behind Thae, the guard stated to his mates that “Elf girl has little pet man.” Anuk was ready to take offense until Glorp clarified (pointing and grinning obscenely) that Thae is the “elf girl” in question. Glorp didn’t even wait for a reaction from Thae before explaining, with some help from Rian, that goblins consider all elves to be female “Because all so pretty.” The last word is said with such contempt as to leave no doubt that this, to the goblins’ lexicon, is an insult. It’s delivered, though, with such an alien vitriol that Anuk finds it easy to ignore. Despite having lived her whole life with men objectifying her and often trying to twist her appearance into something shameful.
With these little beasts, Anuk determines, there’s a delight in the grotesque, in ugliness and chaos. They learn that they are in Filthstink Cave. Their own name for their own home. Fart, it seems, is a favoured beauty. This seems less due to her padding, constantly threatening to burst out of the rags she’s wearing, but more down to her ears. They are impressive ears, even for a goblin. Fart’s ears are like curved, knobbly bat wings. And she obviously prizes these. She has grimy loops of metal puncturing them at at seeming random. But more to the point, she seems kind. Glorp speaks glowingly of how she provides conversation to the goblins who arrive here to toilet. No better bathroom buddy than Fart.
Glorp sighs. He seems to have exhausted all fun topics of conversation. Looks each of them in the eye, then begins seriously to speak through Rian.
